MEXICANOS WITH THE CERVEZA, IDITAROD

After Rich Bossmund recalled me for an assignment to cover the famed Alaskan Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race, I was hard-pressed to get there from the beach in Haiti where I was Spring Breaking with Sushi Ting-Mei Ho, my North Korean foreign exchange student G.E.D. tutor.

But rank has its privileges, and being retired with 22 years in the Navy, I guess that I’m plenty rank.   I hooked my hippy car-raft to the USS Alaska (SSBN 732), a Trident submarine, for a tow.   It was rough going after it left the Panama Canal.   When it made that turn into SUBASE Bangor, I cut her loose to drift on up into the Bering Strait, and here I am, just in time for the Iditarod race.   That blank check that Rich Bossmund left on his desk, really came in good, outfitting me with every thing that I needed to tag-along in this big world-class race.   I know that the boss will be so proud of me for putting his money to good use.

Iditarod  is a word that is still known by elders in the villages of Shageluk, Anvik, and Grayling; and comes from the Eskimo, Ingalik, Shageluk, and Holikachuk Indian words for "idiot-musher who dances with dogs.”  At least that was what my Indian guide, Bichon Frise relayed to me.   There is plenty of white-out up here!

I plan to break the 1 ^st   leg of the 1,100 mile push to Nome, tomorrow, after lunch.   I know I’ll be a little behind on the start of the race, but I took the liberty of opening Rich Bossmund a charge account at the Anchorage Hilton.   I bet the boss didn’t know that they have VIP service here at the Top of the World.  I have my own personal Concierge and Valet.   When the boss drops by up here, all he needs to do is to ask for Paris.   He can thank me later.

You know, April 15 ^th , tax-day, is right around the corner, and I know that Mr. Bossmund wouldn’t want to leave me out in the cold, when it comes to filing his taxes, now that I’ve learned so much toward my G.E.D.

Chas, you had better tell Mr. Bossmund to freeze his assets until I get back from chasing these dogs.

Speaking of freezing, President Yugo Shovazz of Venuswayla vowed on Sunday to freeze oil exports to the United States and wage a "100-year war" during his weekly television show.   He added that "U.S. citizens could forget about ever getting Venuswaylan oil" if the United States ever tried regime change with him.   Shovazz’s show was pay-per-view up here in Anchorage, but everything gets charged to Rich Bossmund.

Yugo Shovazz seems quite confident since he inked a deal for a 100 years supply of Dinghi Ho’s Racing Retread Condoms.   “America should know that we have the protection,”  said Shovazz.

In response, President Bush counter-offered a four hour war.   “Even with Viagra, they won’t hold out that long,” said Bush.

In a related story, Mexican President, Vincente Fox has announced the completion of numerous underground border tunnels to pipeline oil into America.   The tunnels will connect with a new chain of petroleum stations that will be called: Cerveza Petroleum.   The sale slogan of course will be: “You can trustos your car to the Mexicanos with the cerveza!!”  The first store will open soon in Roswell, New Mexico.

I have to go now.  I think one of my new sled dogs has frost-bitten my leg.