For Re-election, Bush Promises:
Tart Reform,
End of Frivolous Suits,
New Energy Bill


Earlier this week, President Bush promised to “meet the press,” but as of this edition, the White House has refused to return calls from Junk Bros News.

JBN CEO, Rich Bossmund, decried the administration’s behavior as “Disgusting.”

It reminds this reporter of when I was stationed on the USS Hopper (DDG 70) before I retired with 22 years in the Navy. Piecing together scraps from the Press Pool, I’m able to tell you that the President is campaigning for re-election.

In speeches, President Bush has called for:

• Tart Reform
• An End to Frivolous Suits
• A New Energy Bill
• A Constitutional Amendment Consigning Married Couples to Unions

It is almost a certainty that President Bush will have to be President in order to carry out his campaign. Many tarts are shocked by the President’s proposals, especially, his making them this close to Valentine’s Day, or “V.D.” One tart who wishes to remain unidentified stated “there would be a Presidential Polling over the Oval Office’s reforms.”

Fans of the King of Perp, Michael Jackson, are in an uproar over Bush’s cutting-off of frivolous suits. “What will Michael wear?” asked one devotee, while sipping from a can of Dr. Perky. Look for Dennis Rodman to protest this one on Oprah.

And it is obvious to anyone, that the President believes this nation needs a new energy bill, since it can’t pay the current one. I would gladly volunteer my energy bill, if the President calls.

But perhaps the most perplexing proposition from President Bush is that married men and women must join unions. Some pundits are speculating that the Teamsters may have a special interest in this legislation.
On the other side of the aisle, the Democrats are still talking up Decaucus. Didn’t he lose against Reagan-Bush already? And it appears that Howard Dean is the big winner… Howard Dean collected $50 dollars on a $1 dollar scratch-n-sniff off.

In other DNC newz, John Forbes Kerry won the front-runner best in show at the Westminster Dog show. According to the judges, Kerry had impeccable grooming of hair, and could speak on command. Unfortunately for John Edwards, Kerry must have dutied in his back yard down south.

They’re supposed to have it all worked-out in time for the big DNC Boston Tea Party, later this year. We’re betting that it will be sweet-tea and warm.