Steve On The Road

Sorry that I haven't checked-in about that column, yet. I hope that we don't get into a row about it. Most of the Web Cafés limit you to a max of 250 characters. But now I'm working at a computer terminal in the back of Bob Jones University Student Union. I've been here so long, that I could get my G.E.D. any day now. Tell Bossmund to expect my G.I. Bill any day now. As you know, when it comes to landing that big job, "BJU" says it all. I'm already working on my Validiktorian speech. It is going to be titled, "Is It True That Golf Courses Should be 'Naturist' Clothing-Optional? Folks Have a Right to Bare Arms." I should know, I spent 22 years in the Navy. I bet there would be more 'sinking the putt' at Chi Chi's Bushy Hills Golf Course. I have a lot of stuff to report on from my trip coming back from Canada, but I have to go to "Convogcation." Here at "BJU," you have to do that, and also you do the wave with the "BJU Hand-Sign," which is sort of like an "OK" turned down. There is strictly no "hand holding" here at "BJU." But the basketball games are good. * Look for some more OTR Reports later today. * "BJU BJU Sink It! Sink It! Give us two!!!"

I didn't quite make it to Canada to see if Courtney Lobve was running governor there are California. The Canadians I talked to had never heard of Courtney Lobve. Go figure. Road maintenance doesn't go into Canada, because it's not a state. So when I hit the end of state maintenance, I tried to get into Canada by crossing Lake Erie. Good thing that I had all of my 22 years of training in Navy Ranger School to fall back on. I got a ride on a dinghy with two men and a truck. Then we were picked-up by the Royal Canadian Mounted Coast Guard. Good thing too, because I thought we might have hit a manatee. I told the Mounties to take me to their leader, but I guess Queen Elizabeth wasn't holding court. The Mounties asked me for my papers. (I was all out of papers; my notepad burned in that global-warming fire in California.) You would think those Jokers would have enough papers of their own, that being Canada and all. I don't think that they really bought my story about falling into Niagra Falls and floating upstream to Lake Erie. Oh, and I may have dropped Bossmund's name around a few times, and I signed his autograph to some historical bank documents. He can thank me later. Don't miss my report: "On The Road in Ohio," later today. I have to go borrow some white-out from the librarian, now, but keep it all quiet_ hush, hush.

"On The Road in Ohio"_____ That librarian is something here at Bob Jones University. She takes her "BJU" jobs to heart, right down to the Huey Dewey and Louie Decimal system. When I tried to borrow her white-out, she turned angstergator on me. I told her "hey, I'm retired Navy, 22 year veteran." Since you brought up the white-out: I got caught in a white-out, during the blizzard of the century. I had white-out in the crack of my butt. I knew the writers in the JBN newsroom could use some of that white-out, so I mailed JBN a box, C.O.D. I used a Cat-Skid-Row Steer-Loader to scoop up enough for everybody. You may get billed for the Caterpillar, but you'll more than make it up on that white-out!! Thank goodness for my training in the Navy's Mekong Delta Force off the coast of Zimbabwe, because those Caterpillars can be hairy to drive. The damage to that truck was slight, and they must have a ton of that brown paint. Now I know why the call themselves UPS. Anyway, after dodging bullets along I-270 in Ohio, I got this great interview with a shooter or 15. I think his name was mister Yager. But the pencil in my Army/Navy Surplus compass was all out of lead, and I'll be darned if I can remember a thing about it. I know Bossmund probably wanted me to cover the Democratic debates, but they didn't recognize my press pass. I don't know why. He wrote it with an indelible marker. Maybe it needs to be certified by Homeland Security. Did they ever find him? I heard that the debates mainly consisted of "Shaking Hands, Kissing Babies, and Squeezing The Butt-cheeks of Gay Men." I had already been shot at enough. So I headed south to New Jersey. Those debates reminds me of the time those winos Vern Bludwell, Ernie Fardward, and Police Chief Ben Dunkin were getting into it over a discussion over Cisco, MD 20/20, Night Train Express, Thunderbird, and Wild Irish Rose. The Winos had heard some ignoranus, had them ranked all wrong. So they called the law. Chief Dunkin said he had his "hands tied-up with online shoes scamming, and I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop." I always hated it when they bothered chief Ben Dunkin that way, he's done so much for neighborhood businesses. I want give you my reports about the "Mysteriou Leaker" in the White House, and tell Bossmund that I came across a real newz scoop in New Jersey, but it will have to wait. Now I have to go fetch my dog, he's a Chocolate Frisbee Retriever, and the "BJU Babes" are just looney over him.

(Secaucus, New Jersey)_____ Actually, I'm working at a computer terminal in the back of Bob Jones University Student Union. This Steve, retired US Navy, 22 yr veteran on the road in search of newz for JBN. After the Democratic prezidential debates, the buzz in the press pool was all about how Al Gore had endorsed Lee Harvey Oswald; but there is speculation up on the hill that the Supreme Court may over-turn his recall. Since you brought up the over-turn; I nearly over-turned my hippy car-bomb car in Secaucus, New Jersey. I was just turning off the turn-pike, when I had a flat tire. Flat tires don't work too well in snow storms. Then I discovered that my Army/Navy Surplus jack was for a Marine 5-ton Personnel Carrier. Those must be some big guys. I would know because of my years as a Navy frigate refrigerator repair man and harpoon bosun's mate detractor with special training from Bath Iron Works aboard the USS Krakring (FFG 42). So I ended-up in Secaucus, New Jersey. I'm not sure if they spoke english there, so there can't be a lot of news to report about it. I can't wait to get back to HQ so's I can get a big Christmas Bonless. I'm going to use mine to get some Naked-Lady Mud-flaps for my hippy car-bomb car.. Since you brought up Christmas; tell Bossmund that I need to take a two week break in Hiatus in the Bermudas between Christmas and New Years. It's what all of the students do here at "BJU," and I'm sure Bossmund wouldn't want me to stick out at "BJU" and be conspigous. I always work on my Winter tan while Christmasing in the Bermudas. I have already made arrangements with Ernie Fardward to car-sit my hippy car-bomb car. He said that he is stocking-up on purple cleaning elixer, so I guess it was a fair trade-off. Last year, I asked Vern Bludwell to car-sit, but he got in the wrong car and ended-up in the back-seat of Hallie's comet. So I ended-up in Secaucus, New Jersey with a flat-tire. I guess Bossmund *didn't* outfitted me with everything I needed from the Army/Navy Surplus store for my world tour. Bossmund will be happy about this newz scoop: Jack-In-The-Box don't have any jacks! I can't believe that I beat Andy McRooney to this one. I better call the Dateline! Jack-In-The-Box don't have jacks, but they did have two Kenny's. It reminds me of the Itty-Bitty Lingerie Modeling joint; give my regards to Mammy Dangles. She has a nice set of double entendres. I may need to get a jack from Mammy, when I get back to HQ. I'm having my car towed-in. I already had it towed from Secaucus to Bob Jones University. The tow driver is nice enough to wait until Christmas break to tow us to JBN. I wanted to let JBN cover the costs, because of the IRS tax benefit. Did the IRS ever find Bossmund? I hope so. I need him to keep my dog while I'm in the Bermudas. I named my dog "Remover," because "Spot" was already taken. She's a Chocolate Frisbee Retriever. Bossmund should take her to the Dogwater Café. She loves that spot and the doggie dishes. I caught a looney "BJU babe" giving my dog a shake, earlier. I told her there is strictly no "hand holding" here at "BJU." I have to be firm, because I'm retired US Navy, 22 yr veteran, and it's expected. I want to give you my report on "The Mysterious Leaker Found In Bush at The White House," but I have to go to the "BJU" cafeteria and meet with my informant: "Deep Throat."

Deep Throat & the Mysterious Leaker
This is Steve, retired US Navy 22 yr veteran, on the road in search of newz for JBN. I have really got myself into a hornet's nest of political intrigue and espionage here at Bob Jones University. Fortunately, I was trained for this sort of thing during my years of work with Naval Intelligence.

Last evening, I had a meeting with my government executive-branch insider informant: "Deep Throat." I can't divulge her identity, but let's just say that her name rhymes with "Hanukkah Shoe in Ski." Any who, she's been sitting on evidence that may relate to the "Mysterious Leaker" and the Bushes at the White House.

Here at "BJU," the press pool has been bubbling over with speculation about the identity of the "Mysterious Leaker," who evidently made a big splash telling Victoria's secret, about being a CIA, double-nought spy. The leakage was said to have really pissed the Bushes at the White House, so much that they say that the "Mysterious Leaker" must be afoot, or more. I'm thinking that if this leaker spills so much, then there is bound to be a string of empties, that will lead me right to him.

After I learned from "Deep Throat" that she thinks the "Mysterious Leaker" may be her old boss, Bill Clinton, I went straight and phoned Police Chief Ben Dunkin, but he was all tied-up on booty from an online shoes case, and couldn't be pulled away.

That started me thinking. It may take me a little longer to get my GED, because I want to graduate "Cum Loudly," even if it will cost JBN more. And of course, I need to track this all down for Rich Bossmund and Junk Brothers News.

I'm

pretty sure that both a conspiracy and a cover-up is occurring right below our noses. But enough about JBN, because just now I saw a possible musselium extremist terrorist, trying to communicate with his cell. It may have been a terrorist encoded message, but I heard him ask a cell member, "Hellah, Hellah, Can you hear me now?"

I'm going to follow him and see what I can learn. And that's a shame, because I was suppose to meet a North Korean exchange student in 20 minutes and help her with her Algae Bra.

I wish I had Phat Ho or Won Sum Tang or Mi Long Wang here with me so they

could translate. Her name is Sushi. I haven't put my finger on it yet, but I think there is something fishy about her. Phat Ho is Korean and runs Phat Ho's Korean Pizza. Mi Long Wang owns Bum-Jo Stir Fried, that does a big coffee business with the local man-on-the-street set. Mi Long Wang once told me that in Asian, "bum-jo" means "want some dead fish?" I'll use that to impress Sushi: "Wasabi? Bum-Jo?"

Sushi told me that she heard in a "BJU" chat room that somebody had killed Kenny! I think when I get time, I'll go back to Jack-In-The-Box to see if they are missing one of theirs. They ought to call it Kenny-In-The-Box.

Tell Bossmund that I'm taking tomorrow off, because Friday is the musselium holy day, and I take all holy days off like Saturday and Sunday.
Iicksnay on the ConspiraSay__ I don't want to get nabbed by the Warren Commissioners or the Terrorist Cells. --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Grateful Bag-Dead
Hi, This is Steve, on the road in search of newz. I'm holding-up at a computer terminal in the back of the Bob Jones University (BJU) Student Union, with a bum-tire and no jack. While waiting for Rich Bossmund to pay for my tow back to HQ, I have stumbled upon several good leads for Junk Brothers News.

I have a news colleague over at CNN, named Solarbabe O'Brian, that put me onto an exclusive about Saddam Hussein suing the US Army for giving him a cut and a shave. It seems that Saddam and several of his Bathe fraternity brothers were putting together a Grateful Dead tribute band. Hussein thought that the Grateful Dead tribute would carry more name recognition than their original concept: Rikki-Tik-rit River Rats. Saddam who was standing in for Jerry Garcia, says that his hair and beard was crucial to his success.

"The Grateful Bag-Dead," were just about to release these soon to be hits on Napster:

100,000 Tons of US Steel

Brokedown Palace

Doin' That Quagmire, Doin' That Slog
Gomorrah

Goodnight Sarin
Hell in a WMD
Takedown Street
Touch of Grey
Uncle Saddam's Band

US Win Again

Wave That Flag

Saddam says that his legal counsel has cautioned him to not speak about the pending litigation, but he is willing to negotiate. But my special forces buddy that I trained with in Navy Infantry school, Major General Ray Odierno tells me that "Saddam may not be talking now, but he is going to sing, like a canary."

I know that Bossmund wants me to cover the Democratic Primaries in Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina. Thanks to my 22 years in the Navy and duty aboard the USS Kitty Kitty Bang Bang (CVN 63) flight-deck as a Tomcat window-washer, I know all of the primaries: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet. Everybody is color-coded on the flight-deck. I hear now, that they're even issued color-coded condoms.

I heard that Howard Dean was a front-runner with the Poles. But Dick Gephardt pointed-out that nobody with two first names had ever been elected President. So Carol Moseley Braun suggested that John Kerry change his name to Johns Kerry, and that Howard Dean change his name to Howard Gore. But Johns Kerry objected because of Gore Vidall, used Gore as his first name.

Then Al Sharpton pointed out that nobody who was a Liberacé Metro-sexual had ever been elected President either, but that was ok, because diversity was needed in the presidency.

In analysis, I would have to say that Howard Gore, may try to back-peddle on his advocation of same-sex marriages, the Clinton's being grandfathered-in. It must take a lot of back-bone to be a metro-sexual. Al Sharpton should stick to selling those great Al Sharpton Grills; you know, he named all of his kids, Al Sharpton too. He fared better when he was a prize-fight promoter for Muhammed Ali.

It is vital now that Mr. Bossmund sends me: a #2 pencil, an indelible marker and a new notepad. I'm working part-time on my G.E.D., a #2 pencil is a must for filling in the bubble-sheet tests. I must be very good at connecting the dots, because the professors always place my test-sheets in a basket under the desk, separate from everybody else; I'm sure the professor, Paréé Shilton, doesn't want anyone copying from her sheets. She wants me to stay after class at the end of next period.

I have decided to get my G.E.D. minor in accounting. Evidently, Rich Bossmund could use an accountant. Next semester, I have signed-up for "Numbers as it relates to Genesis," here at Bob Jones University. No doubt this is an in-depth look at the accounting logistics of the touring rock band, Genesis. Since you brought up accounting, my bank, AM Southern, says that Rich Bossmund added Direct Automatic Payroll Reduction to my account. Thanks Rich, but you know that I get a veteran's retirement for 22 years in the Navy. I haven't used it yet, but the bank says that you are using every day. I'll keep up the good work. Do Laser and Supe have this benefit also?

It makes it all that much easier to ask Mr. Bossmund for another favor this Christmas. My tutorer, a North Korean foreign-exchange student named, Sushi Teng-Mei Ha, needs a place to stay over Christmas, and I already have told her that my boss would be glad to put her up at the Rama-Dama Inn. You may need to buy her a small gift, because she's bringing you a "Butts Scratcher;" well, it took me a long time to figure out that she was really saying: "Nuts Cracker."

I don't think Sushi is all "Fling Shui Ma Jong," or either she's missing some marbles from her Chinese checkers. But I'm watching her closely, because I want to find out why her North Korean leader is sick. She's always saying: "Kim Jong Ill." She says she wants to become a Fukashima Geisha and Sake it to me. But she's up to something fishy, I heard her talking about a misile tow to another secret Asian.

Well anyway, Bossmund, thanks for letting me fling Sushi on you for Christmas, because you know I'll be getting a Winter tan in the Bermudas, with the money from the Christmas Bonless, you're giving us (after I buy those Hooker Mud-flaps). And thanks for taking care of my dog, Echo, too. I named my dog "Echo," so when people hear me calling her, they'll think they're hearing themselves. He's a Chocolate-Moose Hairrier, and she loves to play fetch with my disco-ball.

I would love to give you my next report on those assignments, but I have to go reset the roof-recliner on my car.

P.S. Make sure you Fed-Ex me an indelible marker. I'm writing my auto-biography on my car, and I'll never forget the day that 3-weeks of my life got washed away in the rain. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, December 18, 2003
Baghdad Halliburton, Iraq

(Hi Laser. I just wanted to thank you for the lovely telegram. I didn't know that Western Union could find me in the back of the BJU Student Union. Tell Mr. Bossmund that I appreciate the pre-paid calling numbers. Even though it said **URGENT Please Call**, I knew that JBN probably wanted to praise my work; so I used the call to phone Iraq. Did you know that I was retired from the Navy? A 22 year veteran, and much of that was as a backwater sonar operator on the USS Torpedo (SSN 769). That is where I learned to "ping." So when all of the discussion came up about Halliburton's role in Iraq, I got my Baghdad phone directory and gave them a call...)

Halliburton: "Hellah, hellah, this is Halliburton's Baghdad Bazaar, Bistro and Flea-Market, Larry is speaking. How may I help you?"

Steve OTR: "Yes this is Steve 'On the Road' in search of newz for JBN, may I speak with Mr. Halliburton?"

Halliburton: "Speaking, speaking, I am Larry Halliburton. You say that you are doing the news?"

Steve OTR: "Yes sir, Mr. Halliburton, we are trying to get the story on the Halliburtons being awarded big-bucks to re-build Iraqi infrastructure."

Halliburton: "Oh. Call me Larry. I don't have all of the numbers to crunch on that. You see, I'm only one of a long line of Halliburtons. And really, all I can tell you, Steve, is that they put me in charge of the hot-dog stand, here at the bazaar & flea-market that they are building here in Baghdad."

Steve OTR: "Well then, I may need to talk to a bigger Halliburton; someone who's dealt with the new Iraqi governing council."

Halliburton: "Now hold on. Don't get me wrong. The new Iraqi Information Minister caused quite a stir just today when he claimed that the 'Halliburton's Cheezy Coneys' (hotdogs) were in fact made of dog and pig, and [that] Larry Halliburton, myself, he accused of being an infidel owner of Halliburton's Baghdad Bazaar, Bistro and Flea-Market, and of trying to poison the Iraqi people to hell. Then this new Baghdad-Bob, says, 'this gangster, Larry Halliburton, even wizzes on each hotdog, and applies condoms there too as well, so as to make a desecration to the Muslieum people of Iraq.'"

Steve OTR: "Wow, tough sell. What did you do then, Larry?"

Halliburton: "On the other hand, I vehemently denied any misappropriation of offensive cuisines used in this business relocated to Iraq. 'What in the sam-hill is that crazy fool talking about!' I said. 'I have only ever used pure American USDA-kosher beef weiners in my famous footlong; NOT a madcow Euroweenie, but grade A beef! I order all of 'em from Weenie Heaven. As to the wizzing, the only wiz is the cheese wiz that makes it the Cheezy Coney!' Somebody should tell that crazy lunatic that its condiments not condoms!"

Steve OTR: "I am really impressed, Larry. That was standing-up to him and showing him the old yankee doodle dandy!"
Larry had one more point that he wanted to stress to his new Muslieum customers.

Halliburton: "I am sensitive to the religious eating practices of the muslieums, therefore, my Baghdad Cheezy Coneys will now be called sheep-dogs, and use lamb, just for you Iraq. You crazy Iraqis, you people really get my goat!"

Steve OTR: "Well I'll be dog! Larry! You know I named my dog, 'Red,' because 'Rover' was taken. She's a chocolate African Basenji, but her bark is worse than her bite. But now I have to ask you, Mr. Halliburton, what about all of the reported over-charging that Halliburton has been accused of in rebuilding Iraq?"

Halliburton: "Huh? Oh yes, well you would expect to pay more for a Halliburton Hotdog in Iraq than you would at the 'Hello Deli,' in New York, now wouldn't you? I'll let you in on a little secret. These Iraqi's don't respect small change. Why just about any spider-hole you look into has got $750,000 in hundred dollar bills. They look at one dollars the way that we look at pennies."

Steve OTR: "Oh so now I see. Well then a hundred-dollar hotdog, wouldn't be out of the question. Now it all makes sense."

Halliburton: "That's right, Steve. You wouldn't want me to make them dis-appreciate my wiener. I tell you what else, we’re using ‘Ellie-Mays Buns.’ Praise be to Allah, Did somebody fart in here? Oh I forget, It’s my own chili.”

Steve OTR: "I really admire your business-sense, there Halliburton.”

Halliburton: "They’re pushing out the walls now. I like the location because it's centrally located. We just can't ignore the sandy-ass market. It's going to be the Grand-daddy of All Flea-Markets. We’ll have all of this and more as soon as it’s safe. I don't want OSHA breathing down my back. I expect to do a big business on Soddom Hussein Dope on a Rope Soap, because when the Iraqis tire of beating ole Soddom with their shoes, they may want to rube his face in, you know."

Steve OTR: "I enjoyed talking with you, Mr. Halliburton. Please excuse me, now. I have to go, I hear my dog barking.”