people here at the Nuke Plant read the split atom

recovery. It was a hit!

I would like to take issue on the article on your website called The Gay Rights News. Especially offensive is the sign in the article stating, No Homos, Queers, Gays or Lesbians.

Tell me this. Why you do show such open dislike for attorneys? I wonder what ‘lawyer-phobes’ like yourself would do without the lawyers in our society. Your article smacks of white male heterosexual gay-bashing. If this does not stop then I must put you on notice that I will cancel my subscription to your outrageous website.

Gomer Hudson, SPCA

(Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Attorneys)

When I feel alone and sad I just come visit CHARLIE and his brother's site. This site is just to hillarious and I appreciate FUNNEE!!! In a confused and illfated world we could use this.I will be sure to BROADCAST this website for you ;) I am in the work's of finding some interesting things for you as well... Thanx for sharing this with me!!! :) Darla o:)

Dear Sir, I sure am glad that daylight savings time is over, the extra hour of sunlight was burning up my grass. - Emma Putz

Dear JBN,

  I would like to know where you have required the rights to the Maddog picture and article on your junk brothers news. It has highly offended me and my lawyers will be in touch with you as soon as possible if this matter isn’t resolved in a timely manner. We can settle out of court for just a few dollars and an apology, written and in person will be suffice or else I’ll see you in court. The choice is yours. I’m thinking a cool million would do the job. I will be expecting to hear from you soon or the alternative will prevail.

Thanks a million

Tony Maddog

President of Grunt Inc.

Your photo has temporarily been removed until we contact your lawyer. The editor

I don’t think you fully understand the situation at hand. A simple deletion of the offence isn’t  going to resolve the humiliation I have endure and quite frankly if the money doesn’t start rolling in soon I will have to take you to court.  My lawyer, Justin Case says “ JBN has violated your rights and has failed to be in accordance with article 4u812-69 of the Bill of Rights.”  He also referred to this as open and shut case and that JBN would be smart to seek restitution immediately.

I have also been advised by my lawyer that I should no longer be confronted with your medial responses.  Should there be  any other dispute about sending my compensation you are to contact him at his office. Justin Case   1-888-lawsuits.  Any inquiries may be given to his  secretary Anita Utter Case.

Thanks a million,

Tony [Maddog]

President of Grunt Inc. 

----------------

JBN staff,

RE: 24hr hotline ERROR!!!

Please be advised. Your twenty four hour news hot line phone number is missing a digit. I log off your website to use the phone line. When I made the call I could not get thru. I called during the posted hours . Well, my news story is history now. Could you please fix this as I'd like to send you some NEWZ stories.

 thank you.

 Dick Shanary

Dear Mr. Shanary,

Thank you for bringing up the missing digit in our 24 hr JBN Newz Hot line. No telling the amount of news we have missed from this oversight. When we find the missing digit we will put it within our 24 hour 1-888-JB-NEWZ Hotline , (operational during normal business hours Monday thru Friday). In the mean time You could always send us your news stories in the U.S.mail. If you need our address please email me at: theeditor@junkbrosnews.com

TO:  Chas Laser, JBN editor

FROM:  Rich Bossmund

SUBJECT:  Letters 2 Editors

Mr. Laser,

After reviewing your response to Dick Shanary’s letter I have come to realize two important things.

1.       No wonder our phone bill has been discounted, missing digit and all.

2.       I don’t know if we even have a US Mail account? Don’t think we have signed up.

Please look into this.

Sincerely,

  Rich

President

Mr. Rich Bossmund,

If you weren't such a cheap bastard we would have a working phone number and a U.S. Mail account. Remember how I questioned going with a cheap, fly-by-night phone company like Brothers Southern Bell? And now you have decided to invest all of JBN's profits into the unproven 'Future Newz Satellite Receiver'. I have my doubts about the reliability of such a system and as you know I always do my best to confirm the truth about any story published at JBN. Also, Could you please sign us up for a Mail account with the U.S. Postal Service? We could use some newz while we're waiting for the 'Future Newz System' to be installed.

Thank you,

Chas Laser, Editor, JBN.S. The writers in the newsroom could use a new typewriter ribbon and they asked if you might get a phone line hooked-up. (by a reputable phone company) Thanks, Chas

Mr. Laser,

I would prefer if you did not refer to me as a cheap bastard.  I’ll have you know my parents were married 3 years before I became their bundle of joy.  I like to consider myself as thrifty… as you know I always say the Rich get Richer and the poor have babies!  I notified the phone company and they said they were sorry and are in the process of putting a search party together to find the missing digit.

I was on Yahoo today looking to find the U.S. Mail you are talking about, and I can’t find them.  I’ll try Google in the morning.  I don’t know what the problem is with the News boys…  My God, can’t they supply their own typewriter ribbons?

We have worked out the bugs in the Future Newz department, however now that it’s working I’m afraid we might alter the future. With this in mind I want to keep this area to “Headlines Only”.

Rich Bossmund

President

P.S.  While you are waiting for Newz, hell if you can’t find any, just make some

Editors:

Thank's for giving me a pass into the classified area. It's full of great junk. To anyone reading this I would suggest you ask for you pass today.

Thanks again,

Gil Bates, CEO Megatough,inc.

Mr. Chas Laser,

Congratulations on your advertising endeavor.  It was a great idea and certainly within our budget.  I would like to give you a Big Pat-on-the-Back for that one.  However, next time please try to be a little more innovative, such as, Use a Red color marker so our message will stand out.

Keep up the good work.

BTW, Yes you have to work Thanksgiving because I’ll be spending the holiday with my family.

Yours truly,

Rich Bossmund

President

Mr.Bossmund,

Thanks for the compliment. It was the best I could do and stay within budget. I know you don't like to spend money frivolously, It was sure nice of you to spare no expense on our new advertising campaign. I think the Roving Reporter Idea is going to be a winner. We'll get news from around the world and advertise at the same time. Steve is well outfitted with everything he needs on his journalistic journey thanks to you. I'm looking forward to his first report.

Traveling Reporter Steve. hippycarbomb@hotmail.com

BTW....When I'm working Thanksgiving day could you have some take-out delivered to the office for me? And not that cheap pizza you ordered last year.

Sincerely Loyal,

Chas Laser

Dear Chas Laser,

As for your “Smart Ass” remark about “Cheap Pizza”, listen Laser, Pizza Hut & Dominos are closed on Thanksgiving, so you’ll get Phat Ho’s Korean Style Pizza or you’ll just have to do without.

Rich Bossmund

President

Mr. Bossmund,

You forgot to sign my pay check this week again. Could you please sign it and also make a deposit so I can cash my last three pay checks.

Thanks,

Chas Laser

Sorry about that… I did make a deposit, but unfortunately I think it went into my personal account.  I’ll look into it after the holiday.

Mr. Bossmund,

Just when I think your the cheapest bastard around, you do something nice. Everyone in the office really likes the new typewriter we have to share. I'm glad you chose  a model we are all familiar with. The writers sometimes get confused with the new technologies.

BTW...Forget about the take out food...I'm going to pack PB&J's.     I don't like Chinese food and the food names seem odd to me.

Thanks,

Chas Laser

Mr. Chas Laser,

I thought the boys in the Newsroom would like the new typewriter, Glad I could help out. I got it at a garage sale, I wont' say how much, less just say I got a good deal. Just for the record, Phat Ho’s is not a Chinese restaurant.  He has the best Korean Pizza I’ve ever had.  I’m going to order you guys a medium any way, if you want I think they have Peanut Butter & Jellyfish topping.

Rich Bossmund

Subject: Vern Blurdwells’ letter which I received today concerning your article on his friend Ernie Fardward – Panhandler

To Whom It May Concern from Vern,

I noticed with some dismay your totally dilatory and obtrusive article showing my friend and longtime drinking buddy Ernie Fardward holding a sign “work for food.”  There are several factors which you should know before printing a full apology for your pernicious misrepresentation of this fine gentleman.  His perhaps disheveled appearance is due in part to the fact that the Orlando Cops were kind enough to arrest him for Drunk & Disorderly for the simple reason he was holding up his begging sign upside down at the time, and when questioned as to his sobriety replied, with some vehemence, to the office referring to the officers familiar background and history with particular reference to the officers mother.  As usual these words of interment so enraged the officer that he touched the cranium of Fardward and accompanied his comatose form to the local hoosegow for a free 3 day stay and drying out period.  Unable to call his lawyer (he had no money or phone) he continued to complain until finally he was gently removed from his habituate and thrown out into the street where you, with total indifference to his plight, do publish his picture.  Fardward comes from a long lineage of, shall we say, ‘different’ people.  His father and father’s father, brothers and sisters have for centuries provided pleasure and entertainment as well as full support of the vintage industry wherever they traveled.  I respectfully request that his picture and name be removed from the purgatories dilatory and inflammatory article printed in your recent article, so that he may collect enough revenue to pursue his necessary attraction to the necessary liquids to prevent him from dehydration.

Thank you for your immediate attention to this request in the vain hopes this retention would be printed in your sick and odious news line.

Respectfully,

Vern Bludwell

---------------------

Dear Mr. Blurdwell,

After considering all the facts we will not be able to remove Mr. Fardward’s photo, and for that sake his identity.  Of course you had no way of knowing but “Ernie” had signed all the necessary release forms to publish his article and did not wish to remain anonymous.  This permission was granted with his approval and for, as you say “collect enough revenue to pursue his necessary attraction to the necessary liquids to prevent him from dehydration.”  When our reporters left the scene he was anything but dehydrated.

Sincerely,

Rich Bossmund

JBN President

Mr. Laser,

How was your Thanksgiving?  I hope you enjoyed the Korean Pizza I had delivered.  I don’t want to sound ungrateful for you and the ‘boys’ working all day Thursday, but I only have one question, “What the Hell did you guys do?”   I haven’t seen anything new in the newz.  Is this anyway to run a newz service?  And what is the deal with this Steve guy, he comes by here and gets a brand new note pad.  He told me the other one got wet, but he never turned it in or anything, I don’t know if he just using me or what.  If something is unusable then I want the old one.  I can donate it to someone for a tax write off.  If I would have known we weren’t going to have some production on Thanksgiving I would have never sprung for the Pizza.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, “If you can’t find any news, make some up!”

Sincerely,

Rich Bossmund

JBN President

Mr. Bossmund

We had a great time at the office during thanksgiving. The writers really know how to party. The Korean Pizza was all eaten before I could taste it. Everyone worked late that nite so expect to see some over time on their time cards. The party really got going after midnight. Steve even stopped by and donated a nice phone for the office. Did you know he is a retired Navy 22 year veteran? Also, Steve's dog really likes Korean pizza! A sophisticated news organization like JBN would never make up news. that would be unlawful or illegal. I'm not sure which, I always get them confused. oh yeah, Illegal is a sick bird.

in search of newz...

Mr. Laser

Mr. Laser,

Overtime… hahaha, Laser you kill me,  that’s one of the funniest stories I’ve heard in a while. You don’t have to tell me about the writers knowing how to party.  I’ve spent more than one nite in the tank with them.  Thunderbird & Korean Pizza… ahhh those were the days.  The last time they wanted me to join them I told them I had a Case of the crabs… their reply was “Hell, bring it with you, we’ll drink anything!”  I’m not sure, but I would guess that some of our competitors are making up news, why can’t we?  BTW, can you guess what to do with those time cards?