The New England Report

The New England Report - by Lassen C. Geschlecht-Häben

Welcome to our first column of The New England Report. Don't let the name fool you. I'm born and raised American. My parent's parents (for those of you whom I lost there, that's my grandparents) were from Europe but got fed up with fact that they wouldn't be seeing a microwave oven for 200 years so they came to the United States.

I'm a transplant. I grew up in Florida and moved to the New England area mostly out of spite. I figured if they were going to do it to us (Floridians) I would move to New England and give it right back.

This, however, is NOT a vendetta column. I have nothing against New Englanders. Heck, I'm one of them now. So, with some years of New Englander experience (and a lifetime of Florida) under my belt here's what's "up"!

This issue's subject: WEATHER.
This topic seems to elude even the most sophisticated meteorologist (weather-man) up here. Unlike Florida where the weather forecast is decided every March, the weather "forecast" (best-guess) in New England is, shall we say, less reliable. There is an entry in the 1963 Guinness (not the beer, guys) book of World Records where a weatherman accurately predicted New England weather for 6 hours and 18 minutes! As far as I can tell, this record remains unchallenged.

For those of you who have never experienced a change of seasons here are some of my transplanted observations:

"Freeze Warning" - In Florida, this means cover up sensitive plants and bring in the pets. Also, the price of Orange Juice will go up 35¢ for the next 3 weeks. In New England, on the other hand, it means if you go outside you're going to die. That's it. No one gives a crap about plants, pets, yard art or the price of OJ. It's a survival thing.

"Cold" - This, naturally, is a matter of perspective. In Florida, 53º is parka weather. Home heaters are frantically trying to bring back that subtropical climate indoors. Temperatures that fall below the freezing point are measured the same way scientists calculate the life of a laboratory created isotope...in nanodeseconds. In New England, however, this is just the mark of another "season". Fifty degree weather is for shorts and t-shirts up here. Yesterday morning, for instance, the temperature was 3. Yes, THREE DEGREES. That's Fahrenheit, not that European "C" thing but good ol' American "damn cold" three degrees. The weatherman said that the "feels like" temperature was more like 1 (I thought it felt colder than 3.) This morning, however, it was 10. That's THREE TIMES WARMER than it was yesterday. When that happens in Florida there's spontaneous combustion.

"Precipitation" - In Florida this is rain. Sometimes mixed with hail but usually (and I mean "EVERY afternoon at 4:45 in rush hour traffic on interstate 4" kind of "usually") it's just plain, old heavy rain. So what. You live with it. It's going to happen and you know it and that's that. It is my personal belief that New Englanders find this "water from the sky" thing to be nothing short of miraculous. It doesn't matter if it's in the form of snow, rain, sleet, hail or a mix of the bunch, either. People are amazed at its presence so much so that they practically get OUT of the cars ON THE HIGHWAY and stare up a the sky in awe turning a normal 15 minute commute home into a 90 minute interstate sabbatical. My esteem for this natural occurrence is apparently waning.

In upcoming columns I'll discuss other earth-shattering concept differences like driving, highway "logic", what bugs us about "bugs" and why New England's birthplace residents are referred to as "Mass-Holes". Stay tuned.

"He who procrastinates