|
by Steve "On the Track"
 Hi Chas! I'm sorry about submitting this report so late. Mr.
Bossmund wanted me to report on all the racists at the Daytona Pepsi
400 NASCAR race. We got here and everybody was holding up signs that
said "need tickets." The police gave Mr. Bossmund three tickets on
the way over here. I guess these people with the signs didn't drive
as fast as he did. Don't they know they're at a race? They love to
wave their flags 24/8, at NASCAR. 24/8, that's racing lingo for
24/7, I guess. They like parades too. They just kept on going around
in circles, chasing that Budweiser car until some fellow waved a
checker-board flag to call them all in for breakfast.
I have to report that I didn't see no racists here at the
Speedway, because Mr. Bossmund wanted to go play golf on Sunday. He
says that he is the "Par King of the golf-course!" But I don't think
he should park on the golf course, unless he has a handicap. He
could cause some kind of traffic hazard, and there is already too
many hazards here on the golf-course: we happened to be playing
behind either the dukes of hazard or rejects from the von-Sand-Trap
family.
Mr. Bossmund says that he's a scratch golfer. I reckon that's
true. He couldn't keep his hands off his balls, and everyone else's
too. When I play golf, I score just like a professional... bowler. I
wish I'd worn some bowling shoes, because I sliced my toe with my
driving iron. Thank the lord for this place:
 Dick's can help you with putter problems, too. Kids, I can't
stress enough that driving and irons don't mix. Make sure you have a
designated dry-cleaner. It's ok if you want to give up golf. We all
do. But don't give up NASCAR. NASCAR is the only place where you can
still get a full-service fill-up. There's been no sexism in NASCAR
since they started the Bush racing. But there is carmercialism in
NASCAR. Just look at this cheezy picture:
I think it's something found leftover between the seat cushions
on Dick Trickle's car. Of course the race fans would try to make a
flag out of it, if it weren't so holey.
 Finally, to all you sailors who can no longer get shore leave in
Singapore: you can thank me later. I spent 22 years on board the
U.S.S. Rubber Ducky, and lord, we had us a convoy!
Mr. Bossmund says I walk like a drunk caddie. I gotta run fore
somebody hails me. They must think a hurricane is coming. They want
all the non-residents to evacuumate. |
