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The Fleecing of Gideon Full-Ecumenical Church of the Un-dead
Resurrections has ordained an entirely new concept in Day-Care and
Illegal-Combatant-Detainee Discipline, featuring
“With-or-Without-Wings Depends Incontinence Care”.
Superior Sister Mary Lamb says, “We believe our themed approach
using Day-Care Managed Morality has yielded the world’s first:
‘Pray Ground.’ Our number one, underlying goal, is to foster a deep
respect for authority, while providing a spirited guilt-trip, for
each enrollee.”
Each morning and evening at Pray Ground, acts begin and end at the
“Moses Supposes the Waters Closes, Baptismal Water-Park,” which
features both full immersion and sprinklers, to wash all of the
filth of the world away. Afterwards, each little angel is hung to
dry by the “Burning Bush,” after he or she has successfully emerged
from the “Valley of the Shadow of Dirt Slip-N-Backslide.”
“At our Full-Ecumenical church pre-school, we pride ourselves on the
fact that ‘no witnesses are allowed,’” proclaimed S.S. Mary Lamb.
“All of our enrollees must take a vow of silence to attend. Other
than ‘the [recorded] voice of one crying in the wilderness,’ that is
played continuously in each ‘Johnny,’ there are no intrusive sounds
to be heard until the daily afternoon ‘Salvation Army Band
Practice.’”
“In order to teach self-control, we don’t allow ‘swingers or
teeter-totters on the play ground.’ We want to make sure that everyone ‘prays swell
with others.’ That’s why two hours, daily in the ‘Bawl Crawl,’ is
mandatory.”
Good behavior is enforced by time-outs in the “Pillars of Salt Sand
Box,” or the “Badding Cages.” “A good spanking exorcism is also not
out of the question,” added the proctor.
All gaiety is not discouraged, however, other activities that are
permitted include: “Laying on of hands” Football, “Walking on the
water at the Holy Roller Skating Rink”, “The Heaven or Hell Fortune
Telling Confessional Booth”, “Whack-A-Monk Monkey Bars”, and
“Bobbing for Father Adam’s Apples”.
Every Friday is “Do Good Friday,” where every budding infidel-sinner
from the week before gets stoned at the “Passion of the Crusts’
Pizza Party.”
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