Junk Bros News: A Satirical Newspaper
Junk Bros News was a great site to read about funny junk you didn't know. Brothers News was a satirical newspaper not intended for readers under 18 years of age
Content is from the site's 2002 - 200? archived pages.
Thank you Junk Bros News for all your "news". We need you more than ever in this time of Trump. Your fans miss you, bigly.
Rich Bossmund Solves Writer's Strike.
It’s true Junk Brothers News has been suffering from the writer’s strike lately.
However a solution is in the works.
In an exclusive JBN interview, Rich Bossmund was quoted as saying “We don't need writers, since all our readers suffer from CRS we can just re-release the already re-released material and no one will even notice.”
Junk Brothers News is committed to bringing you the same news you’ve come to enjoy.
Old News is Junk Brothers News!
Slick: Mr. Bossmund, Quality Control, Creative Advisor, Action Reporter
Chas: Webmaster, Editor, Photo Journalist, Graphics & Design
Supe: (Retired)Graphics, Creative Specialist, Street Reporter
Floyd: (Retired) Full-Time Part-Time Technical Advisor & Moral Support
A Special Thanks to JBN Story Writers
Junk Brothers News was a satirical newspaper not intended for readers under 18 years of age. Published by Charles & Michael Leigh & Magic City USA, Inc.
Junk Brothers News used invented names in all its stories, except in cases when public figures were being satirized. Any other use of real names was accidental and coincidental. The Batman references are intended to mask the identities of certain perpetrators so that no bad shit will be visited upon them. Any time you see someone called "Batman" in our stories please keep in mind that we mean one of our own editors/prevaricators, and not the actual Dark Knight. And so, if you see a weirdo lurking about in the parking lot, smirking satirically and wearing a grungy X large Batman sweatshirt or an unwashed Batman hoodie, run away! It's not Batman!
A New Twist on Breakfast.
Just in time for the holiday craft and decorating season, Kellegg's Asia is introducing a totally unique embossed waffle paper that is ideal for art and craft projects, displays, construction projects, book and journal covers and even gift wrap. If successful in Japan, the Kellegg's® Special K Origami® Waffle will be extended for worldwide distribution.The major difference for Origami(T) Waffle Paper is that it is entirely edible and low-fat. Thaw fresh from your freezer and use in any origami you prefer.
As a marketing incentive, each Special K Origami Waffle box "contains a prize package with non-leaded plastic Mr. Potato Head parts, among other extensions for use in origami design, but NOT to be a choking hazard, as we don't like to recall our waffles."
Kellegg's is stressing that the Origami prize packages are not targeted at children, and this is why Special
K Origami Waffles are fun and educational for ages 2 to 120. At this year's NAMA Spring Expo at the Las Vegas Convention Center, Kellegg's will have origami masters on hand to demonstrate how folding waffles can help you drop a jean size in 2 weeks as part of taking the Special K Origami challenge. For instance, you may learn to origami one of these:
Here is a sample of folding instructions for Origami Pig Roast:
"Even a junk food junkie could do it! See look at Asian Origami masters and see they're not fat! Try Special K Origami waffles with soy sauce instead of syrup! Use chopsticks instead of spoon or fork."
Submit your origami creations online at kelleggs.co.jp and enter to win a genuine sushi pillow (non-edible). Big difference between a sushi pillow and a couch potato.
Kellegg's® Asia wants everybody to get the Special K O they deserve:
"We build Gr-r-reat brands and make the world a little happier by bringing our best to you."
The Origin of Chili's Roots.
Can Miss Teen South Carolina find Chile on a map?
Perhaps more disturbing: many people can't find Chili on a menu.
Recently Egyptologists working in Carn, have proven the existence of the earliest known chili in history. Their findings promote the land of the Sphinx as being the earliest known origin of the what chili lovers describe as the bowl of blessedness. The discover leads credence to chili having its roots in one of Egypt's pre-dynastic early upper kingdoms.
The rounded pharonic crown of upper Egypt bears a close resemblance to a chili pepper. But more compelling proof is hieroglyphics transcribed from the walls of the Luxor in Las Vegas which leave little doubt as to who the real father of Chili was.
Pharaoh OyISmeltaHotepCumin's name will soon be as famous as King Tut and Colonel Harland Sanders.
According to the Luxor glyphs, self-titled as The Book of the Red (which we now know must pre-date The Book of the Dead, for good reason), this illustrious pharaoh not only invented chili, but also created the Red Sea through which marched Moses and the Hebrews (during the Exodus, the Hebrews gathered bitter (hot) herbs for the Passover Seder Meal from the shoreline of the Red Sea). The Golden Calf may have been the world's first beef chili. Giant Paul Bunyan and his calf, Blue, signs are even found today in perse chili lands.
From The Book of the Red: "Yea in the second year of his reign, did the great Pharaoh Oy-I-Smelta Hotep-Cumin (Egyptian word for Chili [source]), pile up a great chili offering unto the gods; and by reason of the many bullock which he slew, chili'ed and piled-up was the sea turned to red, and was henceforth called the Red Sea. Thereafter, did the sultry Pharaoh take his chariots up into the land of the Weaklynites which was close unto the Capsaicin Sea. There did he slew many a man, woman and child, by reason of his fiery hotness. Yea he did smoke them with a mighty burning belly, and they were sore a smote. Yea, did he slew them? Why yes for show! Hence after, they were known as the Hittites, an ancient Anato-lian people, Hurrian for the water to escape the flaming fury."
More of The Book of the Red has yet to be translated owing to the pressing need of the Luxor janitors closing the chambers for cleaning.
Get Your Trophy Wife at bHarmony.com
Why bHarmony? bHarmony is Different.
At bHarmony our patented Matchbook System ® narrows the field from millions of virtual spousal trophies to a highly select group of top-shelf single trophies with whom to share deep levels of your self-esteem. Guaranteed.
Using our patented 29 Dimensions measurements survey, your satisfaction can be custom fitted to your core traits and vital personality deviations; so that you get the match which most compliments you.
Although bHarmony can not claim credit for either the New Age tongue-pierced Brit., Elizabeth Kucinich, or the Grand (Young) Party girl, Jeri Thompson Kehn, we can assure you that your bHarmony Trophy will be a no-nonsense, cash-only masterpiece of shine and glitter, mate.
Throw away your old golden girl, and get it on with a newer model.
Why pay more for your Icandy at other Etailers, when you can do that for $extra right here?
We have the perfect play thing for you, pay pal!
Let bHarmony be your Gspot showpiece supplier.
Choice Ivory & Ebony Trophies ideal for display purposes only.
Since all of our trophy models arrive at your door wearing only a plain coating inspected to be free of any marks, you can trust that your bejeweled token can be outfitted in any multilingual memento you'd fancy.
Our hard bodies will be a knock out to any contender to your throne!
Where you mount them is a discreet matter only between you and the law (both gravitational and civil).
Also, be sure to order a Bossco Fantasy Football Fantasy Trophy, player. Bossco is virtually the best name in virtual sporting virtual trophies.
Steve OTR Spotted in Internet Café
By Steve On The Road
Steve OTR, has been ducking the Junk Bros. News submission. “I have to keep a low profile, because of my 22 years in the Navy. I’m not sure how much of it McAnic remembers, but let’s just say that his crew picked up that ‘lipstick on a pit bull’ shtick from me, and I may even have said some crude things about hockey moms as recently as breakfast.” Steve is currently doing pick up work at a Tampa internet café; although Steve insists that if they make it into a casino, they would make a lot more money, and he sure could use the drinks. Steve recently spotted another “Smash mouth” as he calls, Sergey, the Russian. “Go back to Georgia, ya commie!” Steve asks that you keep this sighting on the down low, because he doesn’t want the CIA’s attention about his taxes. “Yeah, you know those men in black, are into fetishes like water voiding, rubber-rooms and straight jackets. This whole bailout will blow over,” says Steve, “we may end up getting shredded, but you betcha, yes we can be the kings of confetti come Rosh Hashanah, New Years and Chinese Take-out! What we really need right now is more of the same change… how much can you spare, Bossmund? In the Navy, or On The Road, I’m still number one when it comes to bailing out no matter who’s having to row. It’s sink or drown, is what I always say.” Steve believes that the Secret Service should remain a 976 number, and not get involved with the work that is On The Road. “Please tell Obomber, that I don’t have a phone and to quit ringing me already! DAMMIT! There he is again! Listen McAnic, you’re not taking my car, it’s been impounded under copyright protection! You just don’t understand that you don’t get it… HEY! Sergey, we don’t allow them lewd TaTu’s in here! I’m orter move to Alaska!”
In other news, the Internet Café is offering Fannie & Freddie Free Parking for the credit-crunch bargain price of $5, redeemable only by cliping ads found exclusively on the internet. Shshshshssss, mum’s in the other room, she’s took a tumbler an stove up her yager, mister! They’ll be no more chocolate Yahoo for her until she can wash my shirt!”
Dell Dude to Promote XPS 420
Dude! Just hanging out in the quad? Check this out!
All the 420 Girls dig this Ultimate Vista Xperience! The new Dell XPS (Xtra Pot Smokin) 420 sweet blew me away after I got her all set up on MyFace!
Featuring Intel's numbers munching pipe-lining technology inside, man!
It's about time you upgraded to the good stuff! Put her on Jamaican, Dude, because, your gettin a memory stick Dell bud on your desktop in O-U-8-1-2!
Joe Boxer Presents News Brief, by Haines.
With other shorts stories.
Under Cover News Briefs: AA Bra to small for Action. Wonder bras gives uplifting performance. No wonder the AA wasn't getting any Action.
Dickie Do Awards: presented by Jerry Lewis. His belly sticks out further than his Dickie Do.
Joe Boxer Sports Brief: Jockeys don't ride up on a Bike.
The Rise & Fall of Underpants. A hands on documentary.
Support Hanes because BVDs suck and who wants any kind of VD?
Dear Fellow Organic Gardener
The Garden Season Is Upon Us
This letter is being sent to you because you or someone you know is interested in Gardening. This is an Organic fertilizer club. It will not cost you a cent to join.
Upon receipt of this letter, go to the address at the top of the list and shit in their garden. Do not be embarrassed as you will not be the only one there. Send this letter to five of your friends who appreciate organic gardening. You will not receive any money or checks in the mail. However, if the chain is not broken, with in one week there will be 9,216 people shitting in your garden. With all that organic matter in the soil next summer you’ll have the most productive garden in your neighborhood. When it comes to organic gardening, Please give a shit and add your name to the bottom of the list.
** WARNING** DO NOT BREAK CHAIN * - One man didn’t give a shit and lost his entire Garden to Dung Beetles.
(If you are constipated, pass this along to your neighbors.)
1. Mr. Will E. Krapp
1422 Enema Way
2. Mrs. Luce Bowels
30 Bedpan Avenue
3. Mr. Hem E. Roids
#2 Piles Drive
4. Mr. Smelly B. Hind
476 Dia Rhea Way
5. Mrs. C. Howie Phartz
896 Rectum Road
Gas Pains, NJ
6. Mr. Bigger Movements
276 Fertilizer Way
7. Mr. A. Hole
Dark Hollow Drive
Colon, Washington DC
(Please give a shit and add your name to the bottom of the list.)
Over Weight Man Frustrated Over His Wait.
John's earlier attempts to lose weight always ended in frustration. So John joined golden gym to lift & lose weight. It seemed like the healthy thing to do. So far he remains frustrated over his wait. Every time he goes to use a weight machine at the golden gym someone is already using it. All he does is wait. John did lose 4 lbs his first week at the gym, but he admitted he lost the 4 lbs just looking for an available machine to use. Now he just stands around waiting to lift weights. He's actually gained 6 lbs since he started. This could be due to the nearby proximity of Weenie Heaven.